she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize