New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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