you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
