you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
