Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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