I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
