Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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