Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
