I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just invented taco cereal.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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