I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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