I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
