Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's blow job season.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
