Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
