Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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