i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
