Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize