Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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