i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize