Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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