oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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