I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
