His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
