My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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