I heard we made out
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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