flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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