Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
