this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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