u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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