i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
