theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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