Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
