Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
