dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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