someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
