You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
