Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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