I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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