Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
