Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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