Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
