It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
