I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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