feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize