Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
