Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
