My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Houston, we have a squirter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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