I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
