Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
