You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
