shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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