I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
