I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
