Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
