There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
