I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
