textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
