He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Blood and glitter go together right?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
