Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
