You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
