Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
