You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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