I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
