Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she peed on how many people?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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