my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
